starry night

Sitting outside my cramped , damp,  basement apartment.. hugging my knees to my chest on a crisp Autumn evening.. i look up past the brick and loom of man-made design to the small window above, to a take a peek at God’s.

The glittering face of a jewel above, so lustrous  and grand and far away… somehow seeing my insignificant face.. is a mind-blow. me. ordinary, run of the mill, an everyday joe, beholding the gleam of a celebrity star.

in that brief moment, im not me. well, i am.. but, i allow myself to be swept away by the star dust… and let my mind drift through the dreams and aspirations of a person… a shade of colour to the sketches if you will…. for an instant… for that moment in time…. almost like the carvings in Geppetto’s workshop, which come alive when the light touches them.. it’s amazing…the things i really wanted to do.. places i wanted to see.. life i wanted to live.. people i wanted to meet… reality i wanted to claim……

and just like that, a cloud covers my glittering gem and the star fades from view… and with it the life of my carvings… and i am let with a workshop full of unfinished, crude, wanna-be master-pieces… lifeless and still. The sound of my own breathing brings me back to the present, and i gaze up again to the heavens… but the cloud has blocked all stars from my view…

so i sit. and i do the worst thing… i let my mind drift. not through the magical lens afforded previously… but with the harsh sense of reality. It doesn’t look the same. It has a cold feel. A hollow sound greets my voice… as my echos reverberate down the halls of memories…… memories of how i used to see the world. Wild, big, uncharted, filled with adventures and treasures for anyone brave enough to challenge her..Anything you could think of was within reach, as long as you worked hard, lived right and dreamed big.

lol, the innocence of youth. i guess that’s why i adore children so much, they are still in that candy floss coloured world of rainbows and unicorns… where anything is possible, if you just believe. Hopefully not all of them will grow up to be like me… but will take hold of the opportunities afforded them.

A starry night… sitting outside, can no longer feel my toes…. so much said and yet no words spoken. It is like it had never been. Like it always was.

sorry to be so mellow…

be safe,

judecros

passing cars

City lights and passing cars. The two things i can watch for hours.

there’s something mesmerizing about the constant stream of passers by… or the perpetual flicker of glowing neons.

i always find myself thinking the most arb things… like… ‘ i wonder where that car is going? who’s in there? i bet they got loads of friends..  im sure their family is happy together… their relationship will be perfect..’  crazy i know, but i can’t help myself. Somehow always end up picturing these perfect people, with their perfect lives, and everything contrary to my life…… but the saddest part, is that they don’t even know i exist….

Ever wish you could be someone else? God created us unique, yes… but sometimes i wonder what it would be like if life was different. If money had never been a problem.. if the family didn’t get screwed up, if i could have gone to a public school, if i was rich enough to study instead  of work….

it’s mellow i know, im sorry.  but the only reason i delve into any of this is because no one knows who i am, and no one reads this crap anyway. it’s basically an opportunity to speak my thoughts into an endless void… where all that comes back, is my echo.

shucks… that’s sad. reckon i’ll post a poem i wrote, try liven this funeral up a bit.

be safe, judecros

dating but lonely?

i think the hardest thing to cope with is seeing couples having a good time together.

No, i take that back. it’s seeing guys who don’t appreciate their ladies like they should.

i can’t tell you how many times i see couples together and one of them is on their phone. Total, neglect, and disrespect. i mean, you got the most beautiful girl sitting right in front of you… and you checking your FB account, or responding to a WA. It makes me sad.

What about when the guy can’t stop checking out other girls walking by… blatantly… can’t imagine how it makes his date feel.

im a guy, ok… and i get ashamed of seeing and listening to how they discuss and treat their dates. im not saying for an instant that you don’t get girls out there, who don’t know  how to play the game themselves…. of course…. but i suppose that everything is becoming so cheap. if it don’t work, replace it or trade in. you know? No wonder nobody trusts anymore… no wonder there’s always accusations flying, and that love spark dying… what with all the lying, no wonder it ends up in everybody crying.

i guess that’s why i prefer to stay away from what is already in my mind, doomed from the start. im not saying it’s bound to fail, but failure abounds. And i know myself … if there is a way to mess something up, i will end up doing it. not because i want to, but because it’s just who i am. So why put another at risk just to passify my need? lol.. im sure that’s not how you spell that word, but im too dumb to figure out the right spelling…

So for those of you who are in a relationship.. be different. You’ve been brave enough to commit… now see it through… be strong. Look past yourself, and see the beauty of what’s standing right in front of you…make the effort.

be safe, judecros

why im lonely

i was actually really proud of myself. i posted my first blog, and for a non-IT clued up guy.. that’s a big  deal.

but then i started surfing a bit, reading some other bloggers… and realized two things. one, i am definitely new at this. More importantly,  two, ive given no background to the reasoning behind “mylifeasalonelysingle”. So im going to try paint that picture for you, no matter how boring or blotchy it appears.

Ok, let me first say that i have always been single. i have never dated before and i have never had a girlfriend. But, i wasn’t always lonely.

i used to have a friend. a close friend. let’s just say that we were best friends. When we met she was 16 and i was 17. i actually got her number through her sister, and that was how they say, where it all began.

we were constantly chatting on WA. for hours at a time. Sometimes until 4am about stuff that has no significance or contribution to the world as we knew it… but it fueled the world we were creating.

yes, in those first few months i definitely thought… she’s the one.. this is it. but the timing wasn’t right. i wasn’t ready to make any shape or form of commitment other than…  let’s be friends, just friends.

Perhaps it was because i had no prior experience, and all these feelings were brand new. Or maybe it was simply that i was scared, and knew that this was me we were talking about…. and i can mess anything up.

So i put the brakes on… i contacted her and explained myself as best as i knew how… and for my wish to be.. just friends. i tried to stop the momentum i knew was building,  because of how I was feeling. But soon it became clear how she was feeling. This is what scared me the most. i could control how i felt, but i had no control over what she felt. And so, i decided the best thing to do was to go cold turkey. If i distance myself from her… it would be the easiest way to ‘let her down gently’ so to speak. It didn’t work.

i deleted WA, so she contacted me on FB. i deleted that… and then she would text or call me… i suppose i was hoping that she would get the message and find someone else… but i always appreciated her tenacity and relentless desire to contact me. However, i knew that if i gave in and simply let things take their course…. we would end up dating, and i would end up breaking her heart. Why? it’s just because it’s me. im undateable. The misfit. The idiot. i won’t be able to give her what she needs, wants, deserves… but my problem came in the fact that i really appreciated her friendship… and didn’t want to lose that…

it’s stupidly complicated i know… but again.. this is me. Something so simple for everybody else… i suppose i was determined that i, because she meant so much to me, would do everything in my power to keep her from hurt. i know now… that this is not possible, no matter what  you do .

our family ended up moving into another province, and i was convinced that the separation of so much space, would solve my dilemma for me… and dampen our feelings for each other. But if anything it intensified them. At least  from my side anyway, as now i was completely friendless, and the world can be a very lonely place.

i tried not to contact her… but there were times when my loneliness superceded my silence. It was always so special to talk to her, but i always felt guilty afterwards… because my confidings in her as a friend.. we’re only highlighting my appreciation for her as an individual. i was taking the friendship to deeper levels.

So again.. i tried to excommunicate myself.. this was aided by my move to another country with my mum and brother. The family was breaking up.. change was yet again doing her duty.

For four months while i was there.. i didn’t contact her.. but i thought of her often.. i missed her. Yet in my mind, i was doing the right thing… i was protecting her..  it was for her own good.

i ended up moving back, leaving mum and bro, to help my dad. The most heart breaking thing i have done in my life.. as there is no one else as special to me as my bro.

The rental was up, and my dad had nowhere to go. So we moved in with my aunt. i tried to keep from contacting her… but she had always been my confident, my friend… and i needed someone to listen. That was one of my many mistakes… i should never have let her know i was back in the country.. she was always so caring and sympathetic… and i adored her for it.

That year became the most trying of my short life to date. i lost my family, faith and desire for life….. something within me,  died….

i set out on my own… driven by the soul purpose of creating something stable, for my bro and mum… that we could be together again… as it was poverty that had forced our current situation to begin with.

i became cold and purpose driven. i neglected my friendship with her.. and began to hate her ‘perfect life’. Whenever she would contact me… i would end up being bitter, cantankerous and condescending. i was pushing her away…. because i didn’t care anymore…no one could help me but me..

i wanted to keep our friendship… but i couldn’t see a way past my own self, and i knew more than ever before… that i was not what she deserved… So i made little effort to explain things…why should i ? i had adopted the attitude of, if it comes, let it; if it goes, let it.

from the beginning i was clear with my intentions. when i saw things getting too deep i put the brakes on, and said countless times… that i want only to be friends. But somehow, it feels like i failed her anyway….i know i caused her pain… but i have tried everything in my power to protect her heart. i deleted WA and stopped all communication with her, in hopes she would forget about me or move on. But our friendship somehow survived after months of silence. i tried to show my desire for friendship… only..but i still feel like i let her down. i could never properly convey my feelings, because im mentally inept. i persisted with our friendship because she was my best friend… and we had so many memories together… and i didn’t know how to keep it like that, and not let it go deeper. i know if it had that i would have broken her heart, im not who she deserves. i will somehow disappoint or hurt her… and i couldn’t bare the thought of that ever happening to her… so i distanced myself… in an effort to protect her… from me.

Her silence now is harder for me to cope with than her constant messages ever were. i so treasured our friendship, but didn’t know how to keep it as only that… so to protect us from breaking our hearts, i tried to make myself into someone she wouldn’t like… because i knew that she deserved a prince.. and i am nothing like that.
i ended up losing my friend…… because i wasn’t astute enough to manage our friendship.

i achieved what i  thought i  wanted… we don’t talk anymore… and every day it breaks my heart, but i know that i have done the best thing for her…this is my only  consolation.

 

Perhaps this long winded sob story sheds some light on me, and my blog, and why i am and will always be a lonely single.

be safe, judecros

 

 

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