i was actually really proud of myself. i posted my first blog, and for a non-IT clued up guy.. that’s a big deal.
but then i started surfing a bit, reading some other bloggers… and realized two things. one, i am definitely new at this. More importantly, two, ive given no background to the reasoning behind “mylifeasalonelysingle”. So im going to try paint that picture for you, no matter how boring or blotchy it appears.
Ok, let me first say that i have always been single. i have never dated before and i have never had a girlfriend. But, i wasn’t always lonely.
i used to have a friend. a close friend. let’s just say that we were best friends. When we met she was 16 and i was 17. i actually got her number through her sister, and that was how they say, where it all began.
we were constantly chatting on WA. for hours at a time. Sometimes until 4am about stuff that has no significance or contribution to the world as we knew it… but it fueled the world we were creating.
yes, in those first few months i definitely thought… she’s the one.. this is it. but the timing wasn’t right. i wasn’t ready to make any shape or form of commitment other than… let’s be friends, just friends.
Perhaps it was because i had no prior experience, and all these feelings were brand new. Or maybe it was simply that i was scared, and knew that this was me we were talking about…. and i can mess anything up.
So i put the brakes on… i contacted her and explained myself as best as i knew how… and for my wish to be.. just friends. i tried to stop the momentum i knew was building, because of how I was feeling. But soon it became clear how she was feeling. This is what scared me the most. i could control how i felt, but i had no control over what she felt. And so, i decided the best thing to do was to go cold turkey. If i distance myself from her… it would be the easiest way to ‘let her down gently’ so to speak. It didn’t work.
i deleted WA, so she contacted me on FB. i deleted that… and then she would text or call me… i suppose i was hoping that she would get the message and find someone else… but i always appreciated her tenacity and relentless desire to contact me. However, i knew that if i gave in and simply let things take their course…. we would end up dating, and i would end up breaking her heart. Why? it’s just because it’s me. im undateable. The misfit. The idiot. i won’t be able to give her what she needs, wants, deserves… but my problem came in the fact that i really appreciated her friendship… and didn’t want to lose that…
it’s stupidly complicated i know… but again.. this is me. Something so simple for everybody else… i suppose i was determined that i, because she meant so much to me, would do everything in my power to keep her from hurt. i know now… that this is not possible, no matter what you do .
our family ended up moving into another province, and i was convinced that the separation of so much space, would solve my dilemma for me… and dampen our feelings for each other. But if anything it intensified them. At least from my side anyway, as now i was completely friendless, and the world can be a very lonely place.
i tried not to contact her… but there were times when my loneliness superceded my silence. It was always so special to talk to her, but i always felt guilty afterwards… because my confidings in her as a friend.. we’re only highlighting my appreciation for her as an individual. i was taking the friendship to deeper levels.
So again.. i tried to excommunicate myself.. this was aided by my move to another country with my mum and brother. The family was breaking up.. change was yet again doing her duty.
For four months while i was there.. i didn’t contact her.. but i thought of her often.. i missed her. Yet in my mind, i was doing the right thing… i was protecting her.. it was for her own good.
i ended up moving back, leaving mum and bro, to help my dad. The most heart breaking thing i have done in my life.. as there is no one else as special to me as my bro.
The rental was up, and my dad had nowhere to go. So we moved in with my aunt. i tried to keep from contacting her… but she had always been my confident, my friend… and i needed someone to listen. That was one of my many mistakes… i should never have let her know i was back in the country.. she was always so caring and sympathetic… and i adored her for it.
That year became the most trying of my short life to date. i lost my family, faith and desire for life….. something within me, died….
i set out on my own… driven by the soul purpose of creating something stable, for my bro and mum… that we could be together again… as it was poverty that had forced our current situation to begin with.
i became cold and purpose driven. i neglected my friendship with her.. and began to hate her ‘perfect life’. Whenever she would contact me… i would end up being bitter, cantankerous and condescending. i was pushing her away…. because i didn’t care anymore…no one could help me but me..
i wanted to keep our friendship… but i couldn’t see a way past my own self, and i knew more than ever before… that i was not what she deserved… So i made little effort to explain things…why should i ? i had adopted the attitude of, if it comes, let it; if it goes, let it.
from the beginning i was clear with my intentions. when i saw things getting too deep i put the brakes on, and said countless times… that i want only to be friends. But somehow, it feels like i failed her anyway….i know i caused her pain… but i have tried everything in my power to protect her heart. i deleted WA and stopped all communication with her, in hopes she would forget about me or move on. But our friendship somehow survived after months of silence. i tried to show my desire for friendship… only..but i still feel like i let her down. i could never properly convey my feelings, because im mentally inept. i persisted with our friendship because she was my best friend… and we had so many memories together… and i didn’t know how to keep it like that, and not let it go deeper. i know if it had that i would have broken her heart, im not who she deserves. i will somehow disappoint or hurt her… and i couldn’t bare the thought of that ever happening to her… so i distanced myself… in an effort to protect her… from me.
Her silence now is harder for me to cope with than her constant messages ever were. i so treasured our friendship, but didn’t know how to keep it as only that… so to protect us from breaking our hearts, i tried to make myself into someone she wouldn’t like… because i knew that she deserved a prince.. and i am nothing like that.
i ended up losing my friend…… because i wasn’t astute enough to manage our friendship.
i achieved what i thought i wanted… we don’t talk anymore… and every day it breaks my heart, but i know that i have done the best thing for her…this is my only consolation.
Perhaps this long winded sob story sheds some light on me, and my blog, and why i am and will always be a lonely single.
be safe, judecros